


Close and Personal

by GBHoltzFan



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Attraction, Co-workers, Dependency, Emotional, F/F, Female Friendship, Love, Lust, Projection, Slow Burn, Yearning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-05 16:32:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 6,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12798228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GBHoltzFan/pseuds/GBHoltzFan
Summary: Erin, the forever emotional mess wrapped into professional rectitude, finds herself attracted to Jillian Holtzmann.





	1. Chapter 1

Erin can't explain it. How can she feel so serene the moment the cause for explosions and fires walks into a room? Why would the mere smile from the weirdest person she knows makes her feel like she's someone important? Why is it she wants to nest in Holtz arms forever when the blonde engineer puts her arm around her shoulder for a selfie? Erin can't explain it. 

Erin sees it as an unhealthy emotional dependency. She fights it by punishing Holtz with unkind words and wants to throw up when she sees the hurt in her colleague's eyes. How the hell is she to explain that her inner child, her frightened, lonely, inner child cries out to Holtz? This is so fucked up.


	2. Weirdness Inc.

Someone once described Jillian Holtzmann as quiet, guarded, private, sensitive, loving, kind, joyful, exuberant, funny, talented, sexy af. Tho it may sound like a study in contrasts, it's not. The bridge between the core and the outer layer is kindness. The whole is wrapped in weirdness. 

The "weird ghost girl" label has hurt Erin so much, she's scared of associating with weirdness. She tries so hard to stay within the conservative parameters of "normal", to hide her weirdness, to fit in academia. As she ends up working with Abby, Holtzmann, Patty, she has to confront a different reality, where "weirdness" is "normal". And no one is weirder than Jillian. Quite a shock.

Holtz' weirdness sensors light up like a Christmas tree the first time she meets Erin and her gaydar emits a faint ping. Erin's weirdness calls to her like butter to pancakes. Or like a mating call.

It is so fucked up.


	3. On / Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin and Holtz at a science fair.

Holtzmann and Erin are dispatched to an out of town middle school science fair to promote girls in science. It's part of the Ghostbusters' community outreach program. Erin meticulously prepares her workshop, complete with handouts and a powerpoint while Jillian stuffs odds and ends into a duffel bag. Erin refrains from voicing her disapproval. Words are not needed: the scold is all over her face. 

They travel without speaking, 80's music blasting out of the car's stereo system. Holtz is relaxed, carries on as usual, singing and dancing while driving, while Erin grips the arm rests, her morning coffee precariously sloshing in her stomach. 

About 75 girls are waiting. Erin walks in first, stiffly. Jillian follows, high-fiving kids as she goes by. Erin sets up her lecture. Jillian walks around, talking with the kids, enjoying herself. Within 5 minutes of starting her presentation, it's clear Erin is dying up there. She catches Holtz' eyes, begging for help. Holtz springs into action. Somehow without upstaging Erin, she manages to infuse some life into the lecture, translating abstract concepts into something kids can understands. Physic equations come alive. Erin relaxes and finishes her lecture on a high note, her pride a little bruised but salvaged.

Much to her surprise, Holtz workshop is about the practical application of the theory she presented. Kids are gathered around while the engineer builds, with flourish and sound effects, the laser. Holtz invites Erin to link what she explained earlier with what is happening and kids are hanging on to every word. When the power in turned on and the teacher's styrofoam cup is punctured, leaking coffee all over, the girls are suitably impressed (not so much the teacher). Erin follows Holtz' lead and do a round of high fives, giggling.

After lunch, the Ghostbusters witness different teams' science experiments. One experiment fails miserably: the two girls are on the verge of tears. Holtz walks over to them, bends down and whispers "You are important, don't forget it." and out loud proclaims this experiment the most interesting one since it provides scientists the opportunity to learn. She goes over the experiment with the girls, guiding them into pin pointing the errors and finding the solution.

They'll return home tomorrow. They exchange a few comments about the day while eating dinner, then check in the motel. Living on a budget means sharing a room. Erin sits on a bed, Holtz flops on the other. Erin is surprised to hear Holtz sigh "This lez is tired." One, she's never considered the amount of energy Jillian expands being Holtz. Two, Holtz has never before directly referred to her sexual identity. "Yes, me too. It's been a long day." is all Erin answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummm ... there's a bit of spillover into SNL ...


	4. Things That Go Bump in the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtz and Erin share a motel room.

Holtz is out like a light, sprawled on her back. She didn't even remove her boots. Erin goes about her nightly routine: washing, changing into her pjs, brushing her teeth, removing her makeup, and applying moisturizing cream, all the while worrying whether she should or not turn on the tv. It's so inconsiderate of Jillian to go to sleep and leave her alone.

As she walks by the bed, she takes a look at sleeping Holtz. Her face is relaxed, not a care in the world. Erin, in a moment of compassion, grabs the extra blanket from the shelve and covers Holtz, before turning the tv on, low. 

She flips through the channels, deciding on a PBS documentary. Every so often, she turns to look at her sleeping co-worker, afraid Holtz will open her eyes and catch her looking. By 10 o'clock, she turns off the tv and the lights, and gets into bed. She tosses and turns, annoyed by Holtz soft snores. 

Two bangs wake her. Holtz has kicked off her boots while sleeping. Erin sits up in bed, staring at Holtz. How dare she be such a slob. Fuck, she's beautiful. Erin tosses and turns some more. Jillian's last words of the evening, more specifically the "lez" part bounces around in her head. She is sleeping in the same room as a lesbian. Will people think she's a lesbian?

That train of thought is interrupted by loud voices in the hallway, just outside their door. Erin gets scared : those guys are drunk. What if there's been a mix up in keys and they come in? She hears the voices move away and she lets out her breath. She takes a look at Holtz: she hasn't moved an inch since the last time she checked.

Erin tries again to go to sleep. She's nine years old again, scared to death of the ghost standing at the foot of her bed, scared to breathe. Shaking, she tip toes over to the next bed, lift the cover and slips in. A sleepy voice asks her "What's up?". "Nothing, I'm cold." "Oh, ok" answers Jillian. She rolls over, throws an arm over Erin and snuggles up to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd go nuts if I were to be in the same room as a sleeping Holtz. Torture, pure and simple torture.


	5. All the Food Groups

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtz handles Erin's awkwardness tactfully.

Holtz wakes up at the crack of dawn, snuggled tight against who? Oh yeah. Erin was cold. She pulls away delicately, grabs her things and hurries to the bathroom. It was so nice waking up next to Erin. It's been so long. She showers, dresses and wills herself away from that deep, dark rabbit hole. "Today is a beautiful new day", she tells herself, as she softly exits the room. 

Warm and fuzzy, Erin wakes up to the door clicking closed. Fifteen seconds later, the panic hits: she's in Holtz' bed! She crawled in bed with Holtz! She sleep with Jillian! Oh fuck! Whatever possessed her? Holtz must be laughing her head off. She'll never hear the end of it. Everybody will know. 

She showers, dresses and packs her suitcase in record time. Holtz' rugsack is by the door. She doesn't want to face Holtz. She wonders if a bus goes by or if she could rent a car or something, anything to avoid Holtz, the shame, the teasing.

As she's thumbing her phone for car rentals, Jillian comes in, with a tray full of coffee, toasts, eggos and fruits from the breakfast bar. "Hey, you ready? I got us some breakfast, come and eat."

Erin mouths a barely audible "thanks", sits on the edge of the chair and fixes herself a coffee, avoiding the bubbly engineer's eyes. Jillian rattles on, mouth full, about some tourist attraction a few miles away before apologizing for passing out the night before. That's a conversation Erin dreads. She shrinks in her chair. "No problem, Holtz, about that... " 

Jillian cuts her off: "In the system, I mean, nights got cold and scary sometimes, you know, we'd pile up in one bed to stay warm. It's no biggy." Holtz glances up at Erin for a second and, returning to her excited tone, adds: "You have to try eggos with chocolate syrup, peanut butter and jam, topped with banana slices. All the food groups! It's delicious. So wanna stop there and check it out?"

With a sigh of relief, Erin agrees. She did catch the brief, oh so brief, glimpse of sadness in Holtz's eyes. She feels so cheap for thinking the worse: obviously, she wasn't the only one with a rough childhood.

They check out, get in the car, Erin's inner child safely asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I say Holtz is kind? Yeah ... :-)


	6. Roaming Around My Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin and Holtz drive back to the city.

The road side "Out of this World" attraction's parking lot is empty. It turns out it's a seasonal operation. Holtz pouts and mutters something about false advertisement. 

They get back on the highway, music blasting out of the speakers. They'll hit city limits in about two hours. Holtz tries her best to get in an upbeat mode, but something keeps nagging at her. She feels like she's being pulled in a direction she doesn't want to go. She does, but she doesn't. 

Erin the brave, the funny, the weird, the smart, she can handle. Erin the defensive, self-centered, judgmental, she can't. She's been there and it took a full year before she stopped crying and/or drinking herself to sleep. She knows Erin is attracted to her. She knows the attraction is mutual. But then what? She'd work so hard at trying to make Erin happy that she'd sacrifice her own happiness? That's what happened before and in the end, she still wasn't enough. 

Fucking rabbit hole. What she wants to say is "Leave me at the next coffee shop. I want to be alone." What she says is "Do you mind if we stop for coffee, Erin?" 

"Great minds think alike. I was just gonna ask." Erin does feel Jillian's mounting tension: stopping is a good idea. She assumes it has something to do with her invading Holtz' bed. Despite what Holtz said, she must have crossed a boundary. Well she did. 

Once they sit down with their coffee, Erin decides to take the bull by the horn and asks "How are you feeling?" 

Holtz deflects with a "It's a beautiful day." Erin is not buying it. "No, really, are you angry, or sad, or what? You don't look like yourself."

The engineer keeps stirring her black coffee as if she was creating a vortex. "Don't worry about it, Erin. Sometimes I'm just roaming around in my head." 

Erin recognizes the non-answer for what it is and drops the subject. They finish their coffee in silence and get back on the road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A closed-off Holtz must be driving Erin crazy. That's her problem.


	7. What's Up, Baby?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin and Holtz return to headquarters. Holtz strips wires ...

Upon return to Headquarters, Erin busies herself filling out the various trip reports, updating the GB Instagram account and blog. Holtz silently strips wires: that's never a good sign.

Abby asks Erin what's with Holtz. "I don't know. She was ok yesterday and moody today." 

Patty, who has been listening to the conversation goes over to Jillian: "What's up, baby? Erin's been mean to you again?"

Their relationship is unique. Patty's no bullshit, strong and steady approach resonates with Jillian's, grounds her in visceral way. She feels safe with Patty. Patty has seen it all and survived wiser, kinder. Patty has made it her business to protect those, like Holtz, poorly equipped to survive in this big bad world. 

"No, not mean. The constant push and pull. Like my ex..." 

"You're afraid you'll let her hurt you?"

The implication of what Patty has just said is not lost on Holtz. "Yup" 

Sensing Holtz' wall has gone back up, Patty pulls her friend into a side hug. Nothing else needs to be said.

Abby didn't hear what was said between Patty and Holtz, but from her vantage point, the body language speaks volumes. The more she thinks about how badly Erin treated her, how badly she got hurt by Erin, the angrier she becomes at the prospect of Erin pulling the same number on Holtz, breaking Holtz.

It's time she got involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't imagine Patty and Abby not wanting to protect Holtz.


	8. Category 5 Hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abby gets involved and gives Erin a piece of her mind.

"Erin, you're with me. Holtz, Patty, Erin and me are out for awhile." bellows Abby.

Abby motions Erin to come along and stomps out. Erin clenches her jaw, gets up and follows her: an angry Abby is like a category 5 hurricane.

They walk over to a neighbourhood bar. Erin slides on the bench of a booth, Abby sits next to her, trapping her. Erin braces herself. It's early Friday afternoon, the place is almost empty. The server doesn't even get to say "Good afternoon" that Abby orders 2 draft beers and a basket of sweet potato fries. Erin doesn't dare say a word. 

"You know what this is about?" snarls Abby. "Of course you know what this is about." Erin hates confrontations but she's got nowhere to run. The server comes back with the beers. Abby grabs the glass with both hands, feeling the fury build inside her. Nothing is said until the fries are on the table and the order paid.

As soon as the server is out of earshot, Abby strikes, in a low growl. "You fucking selfish bitch, you couldn't pass this up, with your doe eyes and damsel in distress airs, could you? You're gonna string along Jillian, wrap her around your finger until she doesn't know which side is up, wring her dry and then walk away like you did me? I don't know what happened during your trip, but I see how upset she is. I've seen her wither, fold on herself until almost nothing was left because of a bitch like you. I'm not gonna let you kill her. Is that clear?"

Abby chugs the rest of her beer and, not waiting for an answer, walks out, leaving a trembling mess behind. Erin exhales. Has she just been fired? She didn't do anything wrong. All those years ago, she didn't mean to hurt Abby. Why would Abby think she's gonna hurt Holtz?

She texts Patty that she's going home for the weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! At least Abby got that off her chest. But it leaves so many questions about the nature of their prior relationship.


	9. Is That an Invitation?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtz spends some time with Patty.

"Baby, you need to get laid" 

"Oh goddess, is that an invitation?" responds Holtz, a smile finally appearing on her lips. 

The usually mouthy Patty falls silent. She pulls a seat next to the engineer. She's been with women before. "Doing it" with Holtz has crossed her mind. She's had to remind Jillian where her eyes are a few times. And they laughed about it. "I'll tell you what Baby: why don't you come back to my place with me tonight and we'll figure it out?" Patty's voice is soft, not her usual "game" tone. She adds "I'll feed you."

"Your fried chicken and cheesecake? I'm I your Hansel?" winks Holtz.

"You got it, Baby" fires back Patty.

On the way to Patty's place, Holtz is back to her old self. She dances and gesticulates and pulls faces, acting out Grimm Brothers Tales, much to the delight of her friend. 

Patty's place is warm and comfortable. There's books, candles, knick knacks and pillows, bowls of peanuts and M&M on the coffee table. Jillian has been there before. Actually, she spent almost a week there while her building was being fumigated. Patty had even succeeded in training her to take off her boots at the door and hang her coat. Holtz smiles to herself as she takes off her shoes.

They chit-chat about this and that all through until after the dishes are done. They sit and watch TV for a bit before Jillian cocks her head and asks Patty point-blank, with no embarrassment, no undertone, just curiousity "Were you serious about us having sex?" 

Despite their banter, their relationship is based on honesty, secure in the knowledge that whatever is said, it's never going to be used against them.

"There's not many ways for grown women to give or receive love and affection. When I'm feeling down, I have sex just to feel better, to feel someone touch me, want me, hold me, skin to skin. And coming is a plus!"

Holtz considers the answer and asks: "Are you feeling down, Patty?"

"Holtz, that beautiful brain of yours... You're gonna make me say it, right? I feel for you because I think right now you hurt and you need some love and I want to make you feel better and I don't know any other way."

Holtz bristles "Are you offering a pity fuck or a friend with benefit situation?"

"Neither one, Holtzy. Do you trust me?" 

"Yeah" 

"Then, let me show you."

They move to Patty's bedroom. Patty gets into bed, and invites Holtz to join her. 

Wide-eye Jillian asks "With or without clothes?" 

"That's up to you."

Holtz partially strips and stands by the bed, unsure. "Come on over here" says Patty arms outstretched. Holtz settles in Patty's arms, still unsure. 

"That's it Baby, just relax and enjoy the contact. That's all."

This would be past being weird for anybody else but these two. Holtz makes herself comfortable, her hand over Patty's heart. She feels at peace, content.

Patty is almost asleep when, 20 minutes or so later, Holtz moves to straddle Patty's midriff, and placing her arms on either sides of Patty's head, her nose rubbing Patty's, says, with a twinkle in her eyes: "I could kiss you."

"Yes, you could, Baby. Is that what you want?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot is left unsaid. I love the easy-going, totally honest relationship those two have. Is it sexual, has it ever been, will it ever be? It doesn't really matter. It would be "making friendship".


	10. Ugly Duckling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Abby blew up at her, Erin went home, brooding.

Meanwhile, Erin spends her evening cycling through anger, self-pity, self-doubt.

Here she is, early forties, alone, pretending to live. She surrounds herself with beautiful things, in an immaculate apartment, because that is, at least in her mind, what a successful, educated, single woman does. She dates educated, ambitious men, because that's what she is supposed to do. 

It is true years ago she walked away from Abby. To be honest, it didn't matter that Abby stood up for her time and time again. It didn't matter that Abby was the one who put her back together after she was let down by her prom date. It didn't matter that she researched and put as much work into the book as Abby did, that it was as much her idea as Abby's. It didn't matter that she and Abby were secretly lovers for a year. In the end, she just couldn't take one more public humiliation. Abby was collateral damage. She loved Abby and missed her, felt guilty, kicked herself everyday for a couple of years for her cowardice. She didn't know, until this afternoon that is, how much she'd hurt Abby. She should have known. She knew. But Abby had never said. 

After Abby, she tried so hard to be normal. She still does. No matter what, she feels like an ugly duckling, whose only purpose is to attract put downs. It's a constant in her life. She tries to do right and ends up doing wrong. 

She loved teaching. She was good at it. And it's gone. She's good at ghost busting, she loves the science behind it. Working side-by-side with Holtz and Abby is intellectually so rewarding: they're pushing the boundaries of science every day. Holtz treats her as an equal. Patty is in awe of her knowledge. Jillian, she's so "out" there. She's the bright light. All that is surely also gone. 

She wonders if ... 

Someone knocks at her door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is Erin capable of getting over herself ? I want to think so but it's damn hard.


	11. Knock, knock, who's there?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone knocks at Erin's door.

Erin jumps. She's not expecting anyone. As she walks to the door, she straightens up, runs her fingers through her hair. Phil maybe?

A second knock is heard. Erin checks the peek hole and opens the door. She folds her arms and asks "What do you want?"

"Aren't you going to invite me in?"

"Come in, if you must."

Erin waits for her late night visitor to say something. She tries her best to keep a neutral face. 

Pushing the bag and bottle of wine into Erin's, Abby mumbles "Here, I brought us some chinese food and wine." and waits for Erin to react.

Erin is not up for a second round of insults but nevertheless she takes the offerings to the kitchen. 

"Nice place you have here." declares Abby, before parking herself on a kitchen stool, hoping to get some kind of conversation going. Erin isn't biting.

"I came to apologize. Anger got the best of me and my words were hurtful. I'm sorry."

Motioning to the food and the drinks, Erin responds "You could have just called."

"You could have too." shoots back Abby and then adds "I better leave, I'm sorry."

It is a now or never moment for Erin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Erin own up for past mistakes? Is it what Abby and Erin need to start with a clean slate?


	12. Shifting Moods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patty and Holtz are in bed, together.

Meanwhile, Holtz considers her options. She's almost naked, laying on top of a gorgeous, almost naked woman, with beautiful lips, a perfect smile, kind brown eyes. Yet, she's not feeling IT, and by Patty's reaction, she's not feeling IT either. 

And so, she grabs Patty's head, smack a big noisy wet kiss on her forehead, and rolls on her back, laughing. After a show of protest, Patty joins in the laugh. 

"Do you ever wear a bra?"

Cupping her breasts for show, Holtz responds "Sport bra sometimes. You?"

"Gotta to, even at night, otherwise the girls ache. Don't yours?" 

"Nips chaff with some of my shirts -- oh that hurts... That's why I like old soft t-shirts."

"Sensitive there, hey?" Patty's eyes go from Holtz nipples to her eyes. 

Feeling the shift in the mood, Jillian smiles softly and nods.

They're reaching their "now or never" moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Women talk about boobs with female friends all the time. But talking about boobs, while laying down in bed, down to my undies, next to a woman I care for, would shift my mood ...


	13. Want Meets Need

Patty makes the move, her right hand gently caresses Holtz' cheek. She reads her like an open book. She can tell Holtz is feeling a mixture of curiosity, shyness, tenderness, trust and anticipation. Holtz closes her eyes. It's a go. 

She softly rubs her lips against Holtz', who lets out an appreciative sound halfway between a growl, a groan and a purr and joins the lip dance. Their kiss deepens: Patty's large hand travels lightly down Holtz' torso, feeling the ripples of pleasure she is causing, mentally noting how beautiful and soft Holtz is, how responsive she is to her touch. She pulls away from the kiss, smiling at Holtz shallow breathing and cheek-creasing smile. 

Want meets need. 

Being at the receiving end is a new experience for Jillian. She doesn't fight it, she lets it happen, rewarding Patty with words half whispered in groans. The engineer is taken apart piece by piece, lovingly, by the historian. 

As she rests on Patty's shoulder, blissed out, she murmurs "Thank you". 

Not ready to end this tender moment, Patty pulls the sheet over them. 

"You?"

"Later, Baby, later."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I confess words fail my imagination. In my mind, Patty's dresses her bed with midnight blue, satin bedding. The contrast in colour - soft white skin on shiny dark blue, queen size, velvety black hand on white skin. And then there's Patty's firetruck red nails ... Oh la la ... Yup ... Sexy AF. 
> 
> Enjoy !


	14. Because I'm Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin and Abby have an overdue conversation.

"Please sit down, Abby." Erin pleads.

Abby stops at the words, turns, her eyes filled with angry tears, and stares at Erin. Erin fights the urge to look away and hide her tears. 

"I should have called. I try to so hard to fit in and I keep failing. I don't have the strength to be myself, like you do. I hurt you by running away and letting you down. I was too afraid to tell you I didn't want to go on that radio program. The ridicule and humiliation we were putting up with were crushing me. I knew you expected me to fight with you but I couldn't do it anymore. So I ran. The day I ran, I lost my best friend, I lost my girlfriend, I lost my science partner, I lost years of work, I lost what was left of my self-esteem. And I never forgave myself for running away, for being such a wimp. I'm so sorry to have hurt you, Abby."

They sit in silence, while Erin tries to stop the flow of tears and Abby tries to unpack everything she just heard. Way down, under the layers of anger, Abby feels guilt over pushing her best friend into directions she wanted to go, even when she knew Erin wasn't comfortable with it. Abby wants to scream at the "I, I, I" filled-explanation, but realizes perhaps it's not selfishness but Erin's ways.

"There's enough guilt to go around, Erin. I'm an aggressive type A, you're a typical passive-aggressive. We feed on each other. It hurt like hell when I got back to our apartment and you had moved out. No message, no nothing. We were lovers, for god's sake. It was like you stabbed me in the back. And I got angry, I stayed angry at you. Because I'm me. I blew up at you today with all that pent-up anger and hurt because I never got over you, because Jill is my friend. And you of all people should know how protective I get of my friends."

Between sniffles, they pick at the leftovers. 

"How can we move on, Abby?"

"Are you attracted to Holtzmann?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm starting to see some hope for Erin.


	15. Swiss Army Knife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goddess Patty finds out Holtz is as good lover as she is an engineer.

Blissed out Holtzmann lazily draws periodic table symbols with the tip of her fingers on the upper part of Patty's breasts. She throws a leg over Patty's thigh, pulls her centre over Patty's hip, and does slow, shallow pelvis thrusts against Patty, causing oh-so-pleasant reactions for both of them. 

Slipping a finger under Patty's bra strap, she delicately pushes it off, licking and kissing the newly exposed shoulder skin. Patty lifts her upper body just enough so Holtz can unhook her bra and caress it off her.

"Um-mm, you're smooth, Baby." to which Jillian responds with an absolute sinful facial expression. 

Holtz wants to give as good as she received. Truth be told, she has feelings for Patty, not the romantic kind perhaps, but close enough that she wants to pour her heart into every touch and make it good for Patty.

She starts slow, mapping Patty's body with her fingers, her hands and her mouth, prodding, noting reactions. Her mouth is much like a versatile multi-purpose tool, a Swiss army knife, if you will. There's lips, tongue, teeth, saliva, and breath being used with variable speed and pressure. It serves to taste, tease, pleasure. Her hands are strong, her fingers nibble. And she knows just how to rub her breasts, her body, her legs against Patty's to exponentially multiply sensations. 

Jillian builds up the pressure, triggering explosions, in increasing intensity, until Patty stops her: "Stop Baby, you just killed me."

With a smirk, Holtz straddles Patty's midriff, and places her arms on either sides of Patty's head, rubs her nose against Patty's and kisses her with so much tenderness, it brings tears to Patty's eyes. A last though crosses her mind before she goes to sleep: "I've been Holtzmanned".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, it's a little smutty. Things sometimes happen between friends, right? Looking at pics, it's not too far-fetched, is it?


	16. She's Got Fucking Feelings You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin confesses she's attracted to Holtzmann.

"Am I attracted to Holtz? I may be ... Have you and Holtz... ???"

"No. I took her under my wing at Higgins. It's like she's my niece. You haven't really answered me."

"That's awkward, Abby."

"Awkard is your middle name."

"Abby, don't start. I'm trying not to be attracted."

"So, one minute you're laughing and dancing with her, the next you're telling her to grow up. Wonderful! She must feel real good about that. What happened during your trip upstate?"

"Nothing, the science fair went ok. She went to sleep as soon as we got to the motel..."

"And?"

"I heard some noise during the night, got scared and crawled in bed with her."

"You crawled in bed with her? What? What did you say?"

"That I was cold. That's it, nothing happened?"

"What did she do?"

"Nothing, she just curled up to my back and we sleep."

"And this morning?"

"She got up before me and went and brought back breakfast, we ate and hit the road. I started to apologize and she told me it was ok. Abby, nothing happened."

"Erin, would you have done this with anybody else? Patty?"

"Of course not."

"Why, Erin?"

"It's Holtzmann."

On hearing that, Abby takes a deep breath. She wants to scream at Erin. "So it's ok to use Jill, apologize the next morning and think all is ok? The woman has been dancing for you, bringing you coffee. She gave you her dad's pocket knife for christ' sake and you think it's ok to use her because 'she's Holtzmann'? She's got fucking feelings you know." Hearing her tone go up, Abby stops.

"She told me it was ok..." pleads Erin, not believing it anymore. She didn't tell Abby she felt safe and protected in Holtz' arms. She didn't tell Abby how she woke up during the night her head nicely tucked in Holtz shoulder, her hand on Holtz' chest, her leg thrown over Holtz's. She didn't tell Abby how she took a moment to look at Holtz, inhale her scent before turning back on her side. And she certainly didn't tell Abby how she held Holtz' hand after Holtz put her arm over her and pulled her snuggly against her. 

Mocking, Abby snarls: "'She told you it was ok.' Sure. That's Jill... She took the hit and gave you an easy way out."

"No, really. She told me as a kid growing up in the system they did it all the time to stay warm."

"Did she also tell you it was a way to protect each other from rape?"

Erin bites her bottom lip and she looks at Abby. 

"She's seen so much, she won't judge. Don't toy with her, Erin, be honest. Talk with her, give her the true facts so she can draw the right conclusions. That's all I'm saying."

"What if I can't?"

"That's your second chance, so don't fuck it up, don't force me to chose between a theoretical physicist and a top notch nuclear engineer."

Erin nods. The message is clear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Attraction, crush, desire, love ... Erin seems to have a problem sorting them out.


	17. Lists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saturday morning finds Holtz in a great mood, Erin not so much.

Holtz slowly opens her eyes to the smell of frying taters and bacon just as Patty walks into the room. "Hey Baby, you're awake!"

A lazy smile on her face, her eyes blinking in the sunlight, Holtz sits up in the bed, arms outstretched, inviting Patty for a hug. 

"Are we ok, do we need to talk about last night?"

"We're ok, Baby. We can talk about last night if you want but it's all good."

It was the reassurance Holtz needed. "All is good" whispered Holtz squeezing Patty a little tighter. 

"Holtzy, you stink. Go shower. I've need to get back to the kitchen before something burns." 

Fifteen minutes later, Holtz is wolfing down breakfast, laughing at Patty description of her last visit at her uncle's. An hour later, headphones covering her ears, Holtz is dancing and singing the old James Brown I Got You (I feel good) tune on her way to the bus stop. 

What a difference of day makes.

\---------------------

Erin wakes up tired. She tossed and turned most of the night, Abby's words haunting her. 

While drinking her coffee she starts making a list of what scares her: being known as a lesbian; age difference; parent disapprouval; being dumped for a younger, more fun woman; things not working out.

She puts her pencil down, re-reads the list, then adds: being a coward and not able to say what I really want to say; getting hurt; hurting Holtz; doing to Holtz what I did to Abby.

She starts another list: What I'm looking for. Kind, not mean; treat me well; make me feel good; warm, loving; not a cheater; similar values; recognize my qualities; smart, common interests; like sex; in shape, attractive; stable; someone I'll be proud to be with; good manners; ambition; no addictions; kids optional.

Erin draws line and writes: I want Holtz.

She stuffs the 2 sheets of paper away. She can't think anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, Merry XMas ! I still have a few gifts to wrap. In the meantime, let's have a bit of Holtz and Erin :-)


	18. Quiz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtz comes across Erin's lists. She's an engineer and proceeds as if she was doing a pre-launch check.

On Sunday afternoon, with nothing else to do, Erin goes to work, hoping make up for Friday's missed time. She arrives at Headquarters just as Holtzmann is unlocking the door to go in. As usual, the engineer warmly salutes her co-worker. Erin smiles and responds appropriately. She's not overly surprised at seeing Holtz. It's well known that Holtz comes in on the weekend to tinker. 

They each settle in their work area. Holtz turn on the music, as usual. Erin checks over the reports she wrote on Friday then moves on to a set of equations. From time to time, she looks at Holtzmann who is dancing and soldering away. It feels like home. 

The day before, Holtz had thought about her night with Erin, about Erin. Her night with Patty had shown her friendship, and love and sex can be free of angst, that she could wake up the next day and feel good, feel good about herself and her partner feel good about her. So, Erin yes, but not at any cost. 

Around supper time, Holtz walks over Erin's desk and asks if she'd like to go with her to a nearby greasy spoon and grab something to eat. Erin, engrossed in her work, had not heard Holtz approaching. Flustered, she knocks down papers and books perched on her desk. Naturally, Holtz apologizes and starts picking up the mess. She stops cold, holding two handwritten sheets: her name had jumped off the sheets and caught her eyes.

Erin sits and says "That's personal" extending her hand for Holtz to give her the paper. 

Holtz re-reads the lists and hands them back. She pulls a chair, sits down and pull Erin's chair to her. Erin's been caught and Holtz is plunged back into the kind of drama she doesn't want. Holtz pinches the top of nose and runs her hand in her hair. Shit, it's another fucked-up, now or never moment.

"Erin, I don't handle drama very well, so it's gonna be a yes or no quiz. Ok?" Erin nods yes.

"I am attracted to you. Are you attracted to me?" Erin answers with a meek yes.

"I want to see if it leads to anything. Do you?" Erin answers with a stronger yes. 

"I want to date you, openly. Do you?" Holtz holds her breath, knowing this may be a deal breaker. Erin nods yes and finally says yes out loud. But Holtz is not done.

"I can't know what you're thinking if you don't tell me. Can you do that for me?" Erin smiles and agrees.

By now, Holtz is smiling and holding Erin's hands. She continues, a bit flustered: "You know I'm all for consent, we'll go at your speed, you know..." 

"Are you talking about sex?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, that and what comes before, you know, kissing, cuddling and stuff."

Holtz blushes, much to Erin's delight. She's tempted to tease Holtz a bit, but lets it go, for now. "Yes"

"I don't have a list, if I did, it would be very short: no drama, honest and loving. Is that ok with you?" "Yes"

"You want Thai or Italian?" 

"Thai"

"Any question?" 

"Not that I can think of right now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah ... I totally think Holtz would get flustered when talking about her approach to sex - unfinish sentences, hand gestures, trying to say without saying ;-) 
> 
> How would do YOU imagine Holtz would react upon finding the lists? 
> 
> Enjoy !


	19. Hand-in-Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtzmann et Erin go on a first date.

Holtz doesn't let go of Erin's hand until they are seated at the restaurant and Erin needs to use her hand to eat. You'd swear Holtz is 10 feet tall and her grin is so proud, so joyful, as she looks around to people, that it makes Erin blush. This is 100% pure Holtzmann.

Erin a little embarrassed at what people must think. She makes a conscious effort to push away the fear that has ruled and ruined her life. And when Jill kisses her hand and look at her tenderly, she smiles back and gives her hand a little squeeze. It's a real smile. 

The conversation flows easily, talking about science and work. During a post-mortem of their latest bust, Holtzmann acknowledges she woke up during the night while Erin was sleeping on her shoulder and it felt right and goes right back on topic - the nasty class 4 they encountered.

Erin could let it slip by but decides against it. She promised she wouldn't hold back. More than that, she knows she owes an explanation to Jill. And so she explains about being scared, about crawling in bed with Holtz because she feels safe with her, going to sleep, waking up on her shoulder, feeling at home, then feeling ashamed and guilty about it. 

Holtz doesn't let go of Erin's hand: her thumb draws circles on the back of Erin's hand. She doesn't interrupt. When Erin is done, she simply thanks her for telling her, reinforcing that it means a lot that she did. They adroitly move to a lighter conversation until the waiter informs them they are about to close for the night. 

They leave the restaurant, hand-in-hand. As Erin calls a Uber and asks Holtz if she'd like to come home with her. Seeing the surprise expression on Jill's face, she quickly adds "to sleep" which only makes them both blush. Holtz gives her peck on the cheek, pumps her fist in the air and yells "YEAH".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Joy at last ! I hope Erin continues to behave. I still can't figure out why Holtz would be attracted to high maintenance women.


	20. We're On The Same Page

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's how a love story ends ...

It is a jaw-dropping Monday morning for Patty and Abby when Holtz and Erin both come in, at the same time, holding hands.

Patty uses a flimsy excuse to get Jillian alone: "Baby, are you sure?" "Yuppers!" "Anytime you want to talk" Patty doesn't get to finish her sentence that Holtzmann is hugging her with all her might. "I know." 

Abby corners Erin in the kitchen. "Moving fast, aren't you?" "We're both on the same page, Abby. Don't worry."

Holtz and Erin caused a lot of jaw-dropping moments in the following months and years: unexpected (sometimes inappropriate) displays of affection, loving gazes and knowing smiles, moving-in together, babies, and marriage.

It was about 15 years later, on the way home after Patty's retirement party, Erin asked her wife about her rather convoluted toast to a 'goddess in satin sheets'. 

"It was before we started going out together." Holtz stopped, trying to find the right words. "Patty taught me love is two people caring for each other."

"Yes... and...?" responded Erin, perplexed. 

"I put up with a lot of shit, got hurt 'cause I didn't know any better."

"Jill, I don't follow you. What does it have to do with Patty? Did you sleep with Patty???"

"Kinda... She took me to bed to show me how good it feels to receive affection, tenderness. To receive, not just give, to receive. And feel good about it."

Piecing the information together, Erin summarized "You didn't know how good of a catch you were?"

Flashing one of her signature smile and wink, Holtz answered "Still am. You married me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this little story. Take care !

**Author's Note:**

> I look forward to your thoughts and comments. Take care !


End file.
